Not Worth It
by fantasticality
Summary: I really, really loved him. Yet I couldn’t have him. And it sucked. Sometimes the pain of longing just wasn't worth it. One-sided Shaitlyn, Caitlyn-centric. Merry Christmas, Amanda!


**My first non-freeverse fic with nearly no dialogue (and my first fic with my new penname)! I hope it isn't too bad... I know I'm not very good at angst...**

**Dedication: This, too, is a Christmas present for one of my wonderful friends and phenomenal authors on FanFiction. Serendipity545, I hope you like it!**

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_I watched from afar as Mitchie and Shane giggled happily with each other, cuddling on the couch and sipping hot chocolate in front of a crackling fire in the fireplace. A perfect picture with a perfect couple, no?

I hated it.

I hated it all. The content laughs that they shared, the loving hugs that were given, and the tender kisses that happened. It was all sickeningly sweet, and it made me want to gag and cry at the same time. I gagged at the whole adorableness and sparkly atmosphere it created. I cried because I knew I would never have such a luxury to experience such tender moments with the one you loved deeply.

Staying with my friends wasn't worth the pain from being near Shane. It just wasn't.

Because the one I loved was the one who shared those moments with the one _he _loved. And that person wasn't me.

But, you know, I wasn't always such a martyr. There was one point in my life where I was happy, where I wasn't constantly sobbing my heart out at least once a week. There was a point where I was in love, and my love was returned.

By Shane.

I knew Mitchie liked him. I knew that they were a match made in heaven. But because I was so deeply in love with him I was oblivious to everything else. I carried around this delusional thought that we were soul mates.

I was wrong.

Yet, I still kept on seeing him, loving him with all my heart. I thought he loved me, too. I figured he did until one point. He took my first everything. He took my first date, my first kiss, and he even took my body. He stayed with me for nearly two years. But then Shane left, just like that.

And as quick as he left, my heart broke faster.

How could he? How could he just say, "We're over," and leave?! After two years of devoted love from me, wouldn't he know better than to just drop me like a sack and hook up with my best friend? How could he be so cruel?

As I stared longingly at the happy couple on the sofa, I felt all the pieces of my already-mutilated heart break in half again. Fat tears flowed from my lifeless gray eyes and down my sallow, pale cheeks, and I could feel the pain shooting through my heart.

Wiping away my tears, I laid a hand on my impregnated stomach and rubbed it lightly where a baby was slowly growing.

Shane's baby.

After our last romp three months ago, Shane broke up with me two weeks later. That was when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't come out of my room for nearly a week and no one noticed. Now, two months along, I haven't told anyone, nor had I planned to. I wanted to go somewhere away from its biological father. Somewhere I could find love and have it returned. Somewhere I could find a father figure for my baby. And most importantly, somewhere I could live without constantly having my heart ache.

I wouldn't abort my child. I knew the idea itself was ghastly. It was my offspring, my flesh and blood. And Shane's flesh and blood. It was the last thing I would have as a reminder of our precious love, something I treasured. I needed it to cling onto, to know that I wasn't so unappealing that no one would want me.

Mom's house, I thought. That's where I would take it to live. With a flourish, I gathered up my coat and purse, deftly putting on my shoes and walking out the door. I slammed the door in a dramatic exit.

No one noticed.

I would never see my friends again. And you know what? I wouldn't care. They weren't worth having my heart darken in hate and ache in longing.

It just wasn't.

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**Was it okay? Was it bad? *winces* It was, wasn't it? I'm sorry if it sucked, Amanda! I'm not all that good at these sort of fics... I hope it was decent, though! Just as a note, the person who was speaking was Caitlyn.**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


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